SATIRE · SENTENCED TO GAINS · 0% PAROLE
Get shredded.
Not acquitted.
Fifteen inmates. Fifteen crimes they’re strangely proud of. Read the rap sheets — every one of them has something to say for themselves.
THE CELL BLOCK
Meet the prisoners
Fifteen inmates, ages 22 to 79. Fifteen stories they’d rather you didn’t ask about. Tap any mugshot for the full rap sheet.
№ 00-401
Brenda Boyle "The Widowmaker"
№ 00-401 · 5'5" · CELL BLOCK B
“Reps don’t lie, honey.”
Read the rap sheet →
№ 00-777
Destiny Divine "Clean & Jerk"
№ 00-777 · 5'6" · CELL BLOCK MINIMUM
“Fraud is just a wellness journey with a different exit strategy.”
Read the rap sheet →
№ 00-088
"Sprint" Ray Delgado The Getaway Driver
№ 00-088 · 5'8" · CELL BLOCK C
“On the whistle — go, go, GO. Rule one: never look back.”
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№ 00-333
Yolanda Pope "Fire Hydrant"
№ 00-333 · 5'7" · CELL BLOCK B
“We’re gonna light this glute UP — figuratively. This time.”
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№ 00-500
"Deadlift" Donna
№ 00-500 · 5'10" · CELL BLOCK MAX
“Grip it. Rip it. Don’t ask.”
Read the rap sheet →
№ 00-112
Reggie Voss "Mountain Climber"
№ 00-112 · 6'0" · CELL BLOCK MINIMUM
“It was a tragic accident. For him.”
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№ 00-206
Svetlana Volkova "The Snatch"
№ 00-206 · 5'4" · CELL BLOCK MAX
“Grip the bar. Commit. Hesitation is how amateurs get caught.”
Read the rap sheet →
№ 00-019
"Lunge" Larry
№ 00-019 · 5'9" · CELL BLOCK C
“Now YOU lunge — controlled. That was my whole problem.”
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№ 00-256
Kai Nakamura "Burpee"
№ 00-256 · 5'8" · CELL BLOCK MINIMUM
“It’s not a scam, it’s a community.”
Read the rap sheet →
№ 00-360
Priya Anand "Kettlebell"
№ 00-360 · 5'6" · CELL BLOCK B
“Hinge at the hips — the whole trick, in the gym and at customs.”
Read the rap sheet →
№ 00-711
Winston Achebe "Plank"
№ 00-711 · 6'1" · CELL BLOCK C
“A man must hold his plank, and his tongue.”
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№ 00-903
Farah Haddad "The Twist"
№ 00-903 · 5'7" · CELL BLOCK MINIMUM
“Twist to the side — always keep a second angle.”
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№ 00-042
Dawn Tsosie "Farmer’s Carry"
№ 00-042 · 5'9" · CELL BLOCK B
“Grip it, walk it, don’t set it down.”
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№ 00-618
Malaya Santos "Box Jump"
№ 00-618 · 5'2" · CELL BLOCK C
“Up and out — never stick around for the landing.”
Read the rap sheet →
№ 00-800
Gladys Wong "Good Morning"
№ 00-800 · 5'0" · CELL BLOCK MINIMUM
“Good morning, officer — sweet? No? He didn’t want one either.”
Read the rap sheet →
THE ONLY MOTTO ON THE BLOCK
Bad people.
Great stories.
Great stories.
WHAT YOU’RE IN FOR
Here’s the deal
01 — FIFTEEN INMATES
Ages 22 to 79, every flavour of crime, one very sweet grandmother. Every one of them fictional. Start with a face you like the look of.
02 — IN THEIR OWN WORDS
Give them a minute and they’ll walk you through their whole day — right up to the part they probably shouldn’t mention.
03 — NOT SORRY
Nobody here is looking for forgiveness. Pick a favourite anyway.
Sentenced to gains
New confessions every week. Drop your email for the cell-block newsletter — first one’s on the house.